Joke for today

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead', he replied.

'How can you be so sure?' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

'$300!' she cried, '$300 just to tell me my duck is dead!!'

The vet shrugged.' I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $300.'

I Heart (puppy) Faces

Have you ever seen the I Heart Faces website?  It's full of lots of good photography tutorials and lots of fun contests.  This week's is a furry face contest.  This is one of my favorite pictures of Scarlett, taken when she was about 3 months old.  It wasn't planned, I just walked in on her and she had the wrapper from a bag of dog treats in her mouth.  It was so cute that I just had to grab my camera.  Unfortunately for me, I lost the original pic when my computer died, but I was lucky enough to have saved a copy to my FB profile.

My ghost story for you...

 A man is  walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he  hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...
 

Walking  faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an  upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward  him.

 

BUMP...



BUMP...


BUMP...



Terrified,  the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind  him.


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

He  runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,  slams and locks the door behind him.




However,  the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket  clapping.





clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...


on  his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing  upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding;  his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing  gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

 

Bumping  and clapping toward him.


The man screams and  reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of  cough syrup!





Desperate, he throws  the cough syrup at the  casket...







and,











(hopefully  you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin  stops!

 

Happy Halloween, everyone!

My update

Wow- not sure how it happened, but it's been almost a month since I last posted. Time has gotten away from me lately. I'm working night shift again and I've come to the conclusion that I am just too old for this stuff!  One 12 hour shift (which is really closer to 16 by the time I add in the commute) requires 2 days of recovery.

I do have several Fall projects planned that I hope to get to this week.  I want to decorate my porch and get it ready for Halloween.  I have a fun wreath planned to greet the trick or treaters.  Once things settle down, I hope to get some homemade Christmas gifts under way, too.

Bad puns; part 2

Because you can never have too many bad puns... If you missed the first part of this post, you can find it  here.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

Never Forget

  

Menu Plan Monday 9/5/2011

Happy Labor Day, everyone. I hope you all had an enjoyable day.

Storms are on the horizon for most of the week here, along with lots of long days for me. I only have a partial week of menus planned, for some reason I just can't kick it in to gear today.

Chicken Pot Pie
Stuffed Bell Peppers
Crockpot Beef Stew
Spaghetti and Meatballs
White Chicken Chili
Albondigas (Meatball Soup)

Lunches:
PB&J
Tuna
Egg Salad
Left overs

Breakfasts:
Pancakes
Scrambled eggs
Cold Cereal
Blackberry French Toast Casserole,  courtesy of Mrs. Jones (Saturday morning)

Have a wonderful week!

Pollo Bowls (Chicken Bowls)

El Pollo Loco is probably my favorite fast food restaurant of all times. Marinated, grilled chicken with yummy rice, beans and tortillas.  It doesn't get any better than that.  Unfortunately for me, the nearest one is about 30 miles from me (insert sad face here). 

Luckily for me, the basic recipe for my favorite treat, the pollo bowl, is pretty easy to replicate at home.



All you need is grilled chicken, mexican rice, pinto beans, onions and SALSA.  Lots of salsa.

Start with some citrus marinade like the ones you can find here or here.  Marinate 3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts for at least 4 hours, preferably over night.

Next, make your Mexican rice.  I make mine in my rice steamer.  If you've ever made Mexican rice, you know it can be kind of tricky to do on the stove top.  Making it in the rice steamer is fast, easy and almost fool-proof.  Here is how I do it.

2 Cups Long Grain Rice- rinsed and drained.
1 Can Rotel Tomatoes with Mild Green Chiles
1 Can Low Sodium Chicken Broth
2 tsp Minced Garlic
1/2 White Onion, chopped.

Heat 2 teaspoons Olive Oil in your Rice Steamer.  When hot, add your rice and "fry" it slightly until the translucency changes, stirring frequently.  Add your onions and garlic and continue to cook slightly.  When the onions are soft, add the Rotel Tomatoes.

Now, depending on your Rice Steamer directions add the chicken broth to the appropriate mark on your cooker.  For instance, my directions say for 2 cups of rice, add water to slightly above the 2 cup mark (this isn't actually an accurate 2 cups, it's just the reference line used by the manufacturer.  I've found with the Mexican rice, that if I hit to exactly on the 2 cup line the rice comes out better and not mushy due to the extra fluid in the tomatoes.

Set your steamer for the recommended settings (on mine, I just hit the 'white rice' button).  Approximately half way through, open your lid and stir the contents quickly then allow the rice to finish cooking.


While your rice is cooking, fire up the BBQ and grill those chicken breasts. When done, let the chicken rest for a few minutes and then cut in to bite sized pieces.

For the beans, I use a can of pinto beans that I have simmered with a small amount of garlic until the juice starts to thicken up.

Layer your bowls with rice, followed by beans and topped with some chicken.  Add a bit of salsa (I prefer a pico de gallo), chopped onions, cilantro or what ever else strikes your fancy to the top.  This will make 6 generous servings.

This is a fast family favorite around here.  Left overs reheat well for a low fat and flavorful lunch at work.

Bad puns for the day; part 1

Yes, I admit I am corny. I love puns. I'm not very good at making them, but I enjoy them when I see them. Here are a few I'd like to share with you today.



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


Have a pun fun day!

Things My Parents Taught Me

My mother passed this on to me and I want to share it with all of you.  How many of these can you relate to?


1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC ..
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"